Q.I.M.I.E

Falling more everyday

I am finding myself falling more and more in love with him with every passing moment, every passing day. Never in my wildest dreams did i ever think that i would ever find a man like him. He is the most amazing man in this entire world. I have spent so many night thinking, wondering and dreaming about the moment that he would tell me that he loves me and ask me to be his wife, that dream is now a reality and i have never been so happy before. I cant wait to spend the rest of my life with him, loving him! There is nothing in this entire world that will ever change that! He is my rock, he is what keeps me strong on a daily basis, and i cant wait for the day i hear " i now pronounce you husband and wife" Although in my mind he is already my husband in every sense of the word. He is the love of my life, my one true love, my best friend, my soul mate and my fiancee, and i will love him from now until the end of eternity!

I'm Engaged!

Yeah.. 22.3.08, I'm officially engaged with a guy named Mohammad Zamzuri. A guy whom I've known for 8 years. Surprised huh? It took me almost 1 year to accept him after the last broke up. (The most fucked up breaks eva!) Zam was d one who held me up thru the bad times.. He was there all along to accompany me and to listened to all my stupid stories bout that blardy jerk. Zam used to be my bestest fren during my study years in Unitar. A very special friendship that I hold dear to my heart. I've known all the good and the bad things bout him and vice versa. It's Bali who changed everything!! He finally made his decision on having me for more than just a friend. And now, I am his fiancee and Insyaallah his wife soon!

Thanks sayang.. for everything..

Too good to be true..

It has been a very busy month for me. Busy with everything! Works, friends, social life.. Gosh! My so-called imsomnia is back! I can only sleep after 4 am in morning. (dat 4 am in da morning song sang by Gwen really haunts me!)

I need a break. I need a vacation. And I'm leaving to Bali this 5th of Raya day together with HIM. Any1 else interested?

Entah lah..

Aku sudah tidak normal barangkali. Ntah lah. Aku sudah biol barangkali. Ntah lah. Aku sudah hilang ingatan barangkali. Ntah lah. Aku sendiri tak tahu aku siapa sekarang ini. Tp yg aku pasti, aku jadi macam nih selepas kehilangan DIA. Bongok kan aku?

Aku biar org lain dtg menagih cinta dr aku sbb aku dah tak percaya apa itu CINTA. Lepas sorang, sorang aku buat mereka macam sampah. Semuanya angkara syaitan lahanat yg sorang tuh. Aku jadi seorang yg sgt2 benci dgn perkataan CINTA. Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku, ampunkanlah aku.

Setiap hari aku berdoa agar syaitan lahanat tuh diberi pembalasan yg setimpal oleh Tuhan Yang Maha Esa supaya aku bisa hidup dgn lebih tenang. Memang segala yang terjadi ada hikmah-Nya dan aku akui semua itu.

Aku bahagia sekarang ini bersama-sama teman2 yg sentiasa dibelakang aku walaupun pernah satu ketika dulu, aku hampir membuang mereka semua gara-gara terlalu ingin mendengar cakap syaitan lahanat itu yg mengongkong hidup aku. Aku juga bahagia sekarang ini kerana selepas pemergian syaitan lahanat itu, rezeki aku semakin melimpah ruah atau mungkin rezeki yg sama tetapi disebabkan syaitan lahanat itu aku terpaksa berkongsi dgnnya atas nama CINTA. Dan hidup aku akan menjadi lebih bahagia selepas ini sekiranya adik aku selamat melahirkan anaknya yg sulung Insyaallah pada hujung tahun ini atau awal tahun depan.

Kepada mereka yg sentiasa berada di sisi aku tempohari, jutaan terima kasih aku ucapkan. Hanya Tuhan sahaja yg mampu membalas segalanya.

AKU SALAH...

I ran across an article dlm Harian Metro a couple of days ago which I can't remember bila.. but dlm article tuh ada mentioned about "Ubah diri sebelum ubah orang lain".

Ada betolnya jugak apa yg dickp dlm article tuh that perkara asas dlm mengubah orang mesti dgn mengubah diri dahulu. Sesiapapun yg hebat bakal jatuh jika tidak memulakan membina diri dahulu. Itulah keberanian yg hakiki. Secara tak langsung jika korang berjaya ubah diri korang, korang dpt membina kesedaran utk mengubah orang lain walaupon kita tidak menyebut walau sepatah pun untuk ubah org lain.

Kita sebagai manusia pasti tidak akan lari daripada membuat keputusan yang salah. Sekiranya terjadi keputusan yang salah…. siapa yang anda hendak salahkan?

Orang yang berjaya ialah org yg dpt menyalahkan diri sendiri apabila tersilap membuat keputusan. Walaupun, sekiranya terdapat pihak lain yang menyebabkan kesilapan dalam keputusan yang anda lakukan, ataupun perancangan anda tidak menjadi oleh kerana pihak yang lain, jangan menyalahkan pihak yang lain.

Salahkan diri anda sendiri dan letakkan tanggungjawab tersebut pada diri anda. Dengan menerima kesalahan tersebut adalah dari pihak anda sendiri, ia akan menjadikan anda lebih kritikal dalam membuat keputusan pada masa hadapan.

Aku pernah buat salah. And aku pasti semua org pon pernah buat salah. Setiap hari aku cuba utk baiki setiap kesalahan yg aku buat. Tapi ada masanya aku lupa. But then itu bukan bermakna aku akan terus buat kesalahan tuh. Bg aku, aku perlukan someone utk tegur aku dan betolkan kesalahan tuh. InsyaAllah kalo kena caranya, aku akan terima semua tuh dengan hati yg terbuka dan kalau diberi peluang, aku akan betolkan kesalahan yg telah aku lakukan tuh. All I need is time. Masa yg dpt mengubah segalanya..

Penagih dadah yg tegar pon kalo masih diberi peluang dan kepercayaan, I'm sure dia akan berubah. Tp dlm masa dia hendak berubah tuh, si penagih tuh perlukan seseorg utk bantu dia berubah. Kalau kita biarkan dia berseorangan tanpa support utk dia berubah, itu yg buat dia akan kembali menagih dadah.

Aku tulis nih sbb aku sendiri menagih peluang utk membetolkan kesalahan yg telah aku lakukan selama nih.. bukan pada Yang Maha Esa sahaja bahkan kepada semua yg aku rasa aku pernah buat silap selama nih. Aku harap sapa saja yg baca nih akan dpt beri aku peluang utk aku memperbetolkan keadaan.

Nobody is perfect in this world. But if there is a perfect person, something is not right somewhere....

Aku mintak maaf....

Pleasing people

Are you a people pleasing person? I used to be but not anymore. I used to worry about what everyone thought of me and what people would think depending on what I would do, wear, say,etc. You get the picture. I used to seek approval for everything that I did. Maybe I didn't come out and ask for approval but deep down I wanted it from certain people. It took me a long time to realize that this was unhealthy for me. I would do things to please other people and not for myself. Not anymore.

Was it fair for me if I request the person whom I pleased to please me back? Was it hard to do as it is hard for me to accept the pain they've caused me?

Commitment

Some of my friends kept on asking me how much do i earn every month after looking at the way that I've spent my money.. To me, that is such a very P&C Q's.. Ada pros n cons kalo kita jawab soklan tuh dgn jujur.. Biasalah manusia kan.. kita bukan tau pon apa maksud pertanyaan derang tuh.. Kadang2 aku naik fedup nak jawab semua tuh..

Ape yg aku ada skang nih bukannya dtg dr langit. I worked real hard for all this. I've sacrifized half of my life a couple of years ago to get what i want now. I dont rely on my mom to get all dis. I worked on my own sweat. And Alhamdulillah.. Tuhan memberkati semuanya..

At d age of 26.. aku mampu tersenyum lebar utk semua ini. Aku mampu utk menyara mama yg selama 24 tahun bersusah payah membesarkan aku. Aku mampu utk membayar balik semua keringat dan wang ringgit yg selama nih mama bagi kat aku. Dah 2 tahun pon aku tak bagi mama keja. Aku suruh dia dok umah and relax. *tak relax sgt lah since dia dok buat semua keja rumah termasuk lah mencuci baju aku dan menggosok baju aku* Every month aku bagi duit belanja kat mama, belikan apa yg dia nak dan yg penting aku mampu utk buat mama rasa bangga dgn anak dia nih..

At d age of 26.. aku punya 2 bijik keter. My baby Satria and Miss Pinky Gen2. Satria was a gift from mama masa aku belajar kat Unitar dulu. Dah 5 tahun pon umo dia. Dah nak abih bayar pon. Gen2 pon dah setahun lebih aku pakai.

At d age of 26.. aku mampu utk tinggal kat umah sendiri. Umah 3 tingkat 7 bilik pulak tuh.. Umah yg terlalu besar utk 3 org tinggal. Umah yg mama pilih.

At d age of 26.. aku mampu utk pegi bercuti ke luar negara sekurang2nya 2 kali setahun. Semuanya hasil dr titik peluh aku sendiri. Tidak mengharapkan bantuan sesiapa pon.

Ada yg dengki dgn apa yg aku ada skarang nih.. Ada jugak yg mengambil kesempatan.. Dan ada jugak yg menghargai apa yg aku buat.. The key success for all dis is.. "PEDULIK APA ORG CKP SBB ORG TAK BAGI AKU MAKAN!" Itu yg selalu aku ckp kat semua org. Aku buat apa yg aku rasa aku nak buat. Susah ke senang ke.. Aku akan cuba buat benda tuh. Aku selalu beringat segala yg kesusahan yg kita hadapi skang nih semuanya ada hikmah tersendiri... Yg penting kita mesti sabar and ikhlas. Rezeki tak dtg bergolek...

Paths

As we travel through life, we are moving without the benefit of signs, maps or a guide. Like wonderers lost in a giant wood, we know where the paths are, the directions they head and, perhaps, where we want to go, but we know nothing about where the paths may lead or how long they will carry us.

Basically, we're lost travelers, constantly at the mercy of the various perils of the world around us, wondering from path to path, decision to decision, never knowing if we're going to get where we think we're headed.

We make the decisions the best we can, judging all of the variables we can see, but never really knowing what lies beyond the next bend. It's a frightening prospect and one that has broken many souls. We live in fear and uncertainty and that is our permanent state.

Yet, we press on. The air often grows cold and the nights are long, but we press on. Not because we want to or because it's easy, but because we have to. There is no going back, there is no alternative.

But if we press through these tough times, if we keep ourselves warm on the long cold nights and survive the hardships that nip at us every step of the way, we are rewarded. No path can stay uphill forever and no trail can remain rugged for all of time.

History is paved on the backs of the souls who quit, those that couldn't push on or find the new path. However, it's written about those who do, the ones that break through and find something worthwhile at the end.

So, if a path is a dead end or taking you a wrong direction, don't hesitate to take another one. Even though you don't know where it leads, it can hardly lead you more astray. But most of all, keep yourself warm when the nights get cold and don't let the perils of the forest get to you. Though they might alter your course, if you can keep pushing past the difficulties, greater things await.

For life is a game for those that don't give up. Those who go just a little bit further see things until their end and push on through hardships. Victory in life isn't determined by money, wealth or fame, but by having enjoyed and cherished the human experiences.

Sadly, it's hard to cherish life while you're watching it pass you by. That is why we must keep moving and constantly progressing. Even if we're not the first, we can still be the happiest.

For the struggles we face along these paths make the triumph of beating them that much greater and they offer wisdom which can help us with the trails we choose to follow in the future.

Wisdom, which can bring even greater rewards.

Notes To Self

This week my relationship with my Bobot has been tested, not because of how we feel about each other, but because of perceptions and, specifically in reference to myself, an inability to accept my feelings for what they are.

This entire week has been trying, with my bout of pseudo-depression and such. Last night was particularly rough. I feel like that was the first conversation in which my Bobot and I reached some sort of an understanding about one another. My Bobot helped me see the root of my issues, and I came to the conclusion that it was my inability to accept my feelings for what they are because I kept fighting the person (or natural feelings) that I am (have). My issues with the ex, well, they are actually dissipating, all with the help of my Bobot. My issues weren't because of doubt, or insecurity or anything like that. I kept wondering what it was, but the bottom line was that I like myself, I am secure in who I am, so with that eliminated from my selection choice of nuances, I didn't know what was left. I guess I perhaps had a problem dealing with the fact or perhaps I just had an unspecified problem. In any case, I didn't want to accept that I had a problem with it, thus creating a snowball effect of negativity.

For the first time in my entire life, someone is expanding my world view not by fitting in my own existing paradigm, but making me realize that I absolutely HAD to adopt a new paradigm, because what I was doing was detrimental to myself. Why he has not given up on me yet, I'm not sure. But I do know that his importance in my life is increasing. I am opening myself more and more to him, and while I have a natural fear of getting hurt, I am starting to not avoid that with him. If that is what is going to happen in the future, getting hurt by him, then I'm willing to chance it, because this is what opening up your heart to someone entails. I am grateful to him for the expansion of my horizon, and but I am particularly grateful for him, that he has come into my life, at a time when I needed him the most. I just didn't know it.

The Meaning

*The Meaning*

To love is to share life together
to build special plans just for two
to work side by side
and then smile with pride
as one by one, dreams all come true.

To love is to help and encourage
with smiles and sincere words of praise
to take time to share
to listen and care
in tender, affectionate ways.

To love is to have someone special
one who you can always depend
to be there through the years
sharing laughter and tears
as a partner, a lover, a friend.

To love is to make special memories
of moments you love to recall
of all the good things
that sharing life brings
love is the greatest of all.

I've learned the full meaning
of sharing and caring
and having my dreams all come true;
I've learned the full meaning
of being in love
by being and loving with you.